Rats
by Arlath's Star
Summary: Torchwood deal with alien invasions every day, but Owen's escaped rodents are causing a lot more trouble than expected. Oh, and Jack's got a phobia, Tosh can't quite work out what her latest find does, and some of the Team seem to be missing...
1. The Great Escape

****

So, here we go again – a new story and a slightly more cheerful one this time! I will take this opportunity to mention the fact that I own nothing in this story apart from two small rats (whom you are yet to meet) and whatever skill at writing I may possess.

**So, while this isn't exactly festive, I hope you still enjoy it. And while I can't promise that there won't be any cliff-hangers, I can safely confirm that no major character will come close to death. (And yes, you did read the description right – this **_**is **_**a Torchwood fic.)**

The Great Escape

Owen hummed tunelessly to himself as he pondered hard over the results of his latest experiment. The Rift's latest offering had been a carton of some sort of poisonous liquid. Jack had been unable to identify it so now Owen was working hard to try and find an antidote, just in case any had landed elsewhere. At the moment Owen sincerely wished that this hadn't happened, as he was nowhere near to finding a cure for the thing, or even discovering what it actually did. Every single one of the lab rats he tried it on seemed to behave differently.

The doctor looked sadly down at the remains of his latest test subject, uncomfortably aware that Ianto, and possibly Jack too, would not be happy with the rate he was going through their supplies. If he knew the Welshman, he would probably try to put him on a budget. This was not a prospect Owen liked. Still, he reckoned he had nearly cracked it. Just one more rat…

Owen headed towards one of the Hub's more obscure store cupboards; the one is which they kept a large rodent cage full of…

_Shit. _Thought Owen, looking at the open door. _A large rodent cage which _used_ to be full of rats. _

* * *

Owen spent the next few hours fervently hoping no-one would notice the sudden escape of half-a-dozen rats and praying that Myfanwy would eat them before they could do any damage. He did not want to be anywhere near the rest of the team when they discovered that he had accidentally let loose a cageful of hungry and destructive rodents in the Hub.

* * *

Tosh bent over the pile of notes on her desk as she sipped her tea, wondering vaguely why the edges appeared to have been nibbled. But then the Rift alarm went off and any potential vermin problems the Hub had suddenly became insignificant when compared to the all-too-real vermin problems of Cardiff.

* * *

When they all got back to the Hub Gwen was heard to complain that someone had eaten the chocolate bar she had left on her desk. She was unable to pass the blame onto Owen, it being common knowledge that eating was something he should _not_ attempt in his present condition, so Owen got to enjoy the sound of Jack being falsely accused of sweet-stealing. On the whole though, he considered, that pleasure probably wouldn't offset the bollocking he'd get off Jack when he found out. But it was still something.

* * *

On Tuesday morning Ianto was slightly put to find that the floor he had left so neatly swept the night before was now sprinkled with shreds of paper and what looked like food crumbs. Sighing quietly to himself he made a mental note to ask Jack what on earth he got up to when they left him in the Hub on his own, and headed off to the kitchen to get himself a mug of coffee and a biscuit before he started to tidy up. He'd just made himself a cup when he heard the telltale signs of the others arriving (it was the door alarms that did it, he reckoned) and instantly started to make them some too. But when he reached up to the biscuit tin he noticed that the lid was slightly askew: Jack, he decided instantly. That would explain the crumbs.

And then the tin moved.

Grabbing a knife in one hand (Ianto had a fairly good idea by now of what sort of creatures came through the Rift) he carefully lifted up the lid and peered inside. He didn't know about Owen's accident, so when he saw a small rat, it's dark brown fur covered in crumbs, clutching a piece of chocolate biscuit in its two tiny paws and gazing up at him with huge, dark, round, begging eyes the first thing he could think of to say was:

"Who turned Gwen into a rat?"


	2. Can We Keep It?

**Thank you to all my lovely reviewers: brionyjae, Madame Cyanure, NikkieSheepie, gernumblies, milady dragon, thedeejay, biancaruth, cjh4ever, L.A.H.H., Marian Locksley and Allons-y allonso! I think almost all of you mentioned the last line in your wonderful reviews – Honestly, what's funny about Torchwood operatives being turned into rats? **

Can We Keep It?

"What?"

Ianto was pleased, and then quickly embarrassed, to hear Gwen's voice amongst the several surprised responses. A few seconds later he heard her voice again just behind him.

"What are you talking about? Oh!"

The rat-that-wasn't-Gwen had seized the opportunity to escape caused by her disruption and jumped onto the floor. There was a surprised squeak from more than one mouth as it met Tosh in the doorway and ricocheted back into the room. Ianto quickly closed the door. "Where's it gone?"

"She's down here, aren't you sweetheart?" Gwen was kneeling down to examine the rat that was trembling in the corner.

"She?" asked Ianto bluntly, refusing to comment on Gwen's need to try and help everything that breathed, even if it had just eaten it's way through the whole of Torchwood's biscuit supply.

"It was you who first assumed it was a girl." Tosh pointed out coolly.

Gwen was still cooing over the rat. "Ssh, it's all right, we didn't mean to scare you." She was already reaching out tentatively to try and stroke it.

Behind her Ianto sighed loudly and picked up the empty tin, preparing to scoop their little intruder up in it.

The door opened suddenly, and amid loud protests Jack and Owen entered the room. "What's going on?" Jack demanded.

"Rats." Ianto said clearly.

"Rats?" Jack repeated worriedly, followed just a second too late by Owen.

"One rat, to be precise." Ianto continued. "But not a common rat. In fact, I remember buying this rat, and twelve others, from the pet shop last week. I remember because the shop-keeper looked at me like I was crazy and asked me what I'd done with the ten I'd bought the week before." Ianto was looking directly at Owen now.

"Um, yeah, well maybe I lost one or two…"

"You lost _one or two_?"

"Alright, six."

"SIX?"

_Uh oh. _Thought Owen, as everyone drew breath again, presumably to shout at him some more. _That probably wasn't the best thing I could have said. _

"You let six rats loose in the Hub and you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't mean to! And shouldn't we be trying to catch this one, anyway?" Owen crossed his fingers behind his back, hoping Jack would pause in his tirade. The reminder worked.

"Where's it gone?" Jack demanded, in exactly the same tone he'd use if he hadn't seen which direction a particularly blood-thirsty alien had taken.

"She's in my pocket."

"What are you, the Pied Piper of Cardiff or something?" Owen sniffed, looking at the lump in Gwen's jacket. "How did you do that?"

"There were biscuits crumbs in there."

So maybe it wasn't just the rat pilfering after all…

"Follow me and I'll put it back in the cage." Perhaps if Owen sorted this one out Jack would forget about the other five…

"No!" Gwen sounded horrified at the very suggestion.

"Well it can't bloody well live in your pocket, can it?"

"You can't take her back! You can't experiment on her!"

"Why the hell can't I? You've never complained before!"

"But she's so sweet!"

Jack broke in on the argument. "Gwen, you are not keeping that rat. That is final. Not unless it goes home with you and stays there."

"Rhys will never let me have her in the house! Please Jack…"

"This isn't a pet's corner!"

"You let Ianto keep Myfanwy!"

"Myfanwy's not a pet, she's a … a mascot!"

Ianto was being strongly reminded of the time when he'd been at Rhiannon's house and David and Mica had brought up the 'why can't we have a dog?' argument again.

"There would be nothing wrong with having another, err, 'mascot', Jack." Tosh said placatingly. "A rat would hardly take up much room. And we do keep weevils in the cellars. One rat is hardly a threat."

Ianto nodded. "I'm fine with it, so long as it's Gwen that does all the looking after of it." He actually quite fancied the idea of having a rat, now he came to think about it.

"What would we call it…?" Tosh wondered aloud.

Jack looked around at them all and knew he was beaten. "Just keep it away from me."

He left, and the others exchanged glances. Was Jack Harkness, the immortal Captain Jack Harkness, _really_ scared of rats?


	3. Curiosity Killed the Rat

**MERRY CHRISTMAS to my lovely reviewers – brionyjae, milady dragon, NikkieSheepie, Chaos 'shade' Shadow, cjh4ever, Marian Locksley and L.A.H.H. – along with all my other readers. **

**I seem to have a mixed audience as regards attitudes to rats. Some of you don't mind them, some of you have a view very similar to Jack's. I don't mind, so long as you keep reading. **

Curiosity Killed the Rat

"Biscuit." Owen suggested.

"No." Gwen said scornfully, taking a bite out of the one she was eating. Leaving aside her study of the artefact they'd picked up yesterday, Tosh watched a crumb make its way down into Gwen's pocket.

"Rat-that-really-ought-to-go-on-a-diet?"

"Owen, why can't you make sensible suggestions?"

"'Biscuit' was sensible."

"I want her to have a proper name."

"Some parents call their kids names like that." Owen said in an offended voice. "How about 'Gwen'? Ianto thought it was you."

"Don't you think that would be rather confusing?" Tosh pointed out. "We could call it something similar like Gwyneth or Guinevere, but they all sound quite silly for a small rat…"

"Mini-Gwen" Owen suggested unhelpfully. "Gwenlet. Pseudo-Gwen…"

"Minnie." Ianto stated. "Short for Mini-Gwen, or for a more sensible name if you prefer. She's quite small for a rat anyway."

"Minnie." Gwen repeated. "I like that." She turned to the rat in her pocket. "So how do you like being called Minnie, then?"

Owen buried his face in his hands.

* * *

Someone soon found the newly-christened Minnie a cage, but before long it was seldom in use. Instead the rat was more commonly to be found on either Gwen or Tosh's shoulder, exploring a desk or curled up in a pocket. They even got to the point where Ianto would bring it a biscuit crumb at the same time as everyone else got their rations. He would have taken her with him on his rounds too, but Jack would never approve. That was one good thing about having a rat occasionally investigating the inside of your ear or having to be pulled away from a particularly intriguing document, they all discovered: Jack was far less likely to come and peer over your shoulder to see how you were getting on.

They found two ex-rats which Myfanwy had clearly had as snacks (and Ianto wasn't surprised when you considered all the chocolate biscuits that were inside them). The evidence of loose rats continued to appear though, so Ianto set traps – humane ones, at Gwen's request. She and Owen had reached a tacit agreement that he could do whatever he liked with any new rats he bought so long as he didn't harm any of the escapees.

Everyone was quite excited when they found another rat because it meant that they no longer had to take turns using them as a Jack-deterrent quite so much. Everyone apart from Jack himself that is – they didn't tell him at the time, just waited for him to find out.

"Where's the rat?" Jack had developed a habit of asking this question every time he entered the main section of the Hub. Owen classified this as 'neurotic' behaviour.

Tosh pointed mutely at her desk. Unnamed the rat was slightly larger that Minnie and slightly less friendly. She (they had both proved to be shes, to Ianto's relief – there were only so many rats he could stand) had entered a hate-hate relationship with Owen, who still bore rat-teeth-marks on his fingers, but she didn't mind Tosh much. It was quite possible that she held a special place in Tosh, Gwen and Ianto's hearts for the mere fact that she had bitten Owen. The Owen incident was also the reason why she remained unnamed – Ianto was petitioning for her to be called Owena, on account of certain 'similarities' (namely grumpiness, a tendency to bully others and a lack of qualms about biting people), while Owen… Well, Owen's current suggestion was 'Rat Jam'.

Jack squinted at the rat without getting too close. "I thought it was a different colour from that."

"Ah. That's because there's two."

Jack looked around hurriedly. "Why did no-one tell me there were two? How many more have you got?"

"Just two. Ianto thinks all the loose ones are gone."

"Good." Jack was becoming increasingly resigned to having rodents loose in his Hub. At least his team were keeping true to their word and not bringing the wretched creatures near him. "Where's the other one?"

Gwen looked up. "I've got her."

"No you haven't." Said Owen helpfully in a loosely-disguised attempt to cause trouble. "I can't see her anywhere. No funny lumps or tails sticking out anywhere." He watched Jack flinch slightly out of the corner of his eye.

Gwen lightly indicated where Minnie was currently curled up.

"What? You keep her in _there_?"

"She likes it there."

"Well, yeah, but…" Owen turned to Tosh. "Do you let them do that too?"

Tosh blushed slightly. "Sometimes. It's rather hard to stop them."

"Where-" Jack began, before his question was answered for him as a set of whiskers appeared sticking out from the neckline of Gwen's t-shirt. "Ah."

Owen was grinning now. "Have you told Rhys that yet? That his affections are being stolen by a rat?"

"They're not being stolen."

"Gwen's got a big heart, Owen." Jack announced. "Even big enough for rats." He added, with a hint of admiration.

"Even Owen-sized ones." Ianto added, not quite enough under his breath.

"Better a rat than a… than a Welsh rat." Owen retorted.

Gwen covered Minnie's ears.

"That's racism, Owen. And speciesism." Tosh pointed out.

"Is it? I thought it was just speciesism." Owen was quite proud of that quip. It earned him a special glare from Gwen as she placed an inquisitive rat down on Tosh's desk.

"You know, Owen, sometimes I really think you _are_ a rat. Only that saying that would be mean to rats."

"And sometimes, Gwen, I think you're a right pain in the arse."

"Well-"

"I hate to break up the argument" Ianto interrupted in a slightly worried tone of voice "but should we really be letting them that close to…"

Gwen and Owen took one glance at the rift-gift-of-unidentifiable-purpose about to be thoroughly investigated and simultaneously dived for the rats.

There was a flash of black light and an implosion of silence.

* * *

**There – a cliff-hanger for Christmas. Just what you wanted. It shouldn't be too hard to guess what happens, though. I think. Oh, send me your suggestions and then you'll see if you're right. **


	4. Communication Issues

**Festive goodwill to all my reviewers: Marian Locksley, milady dragon, Chaos 'shade' Shadow, NikkieSheepie, cjh4ever, thedeejay, brionyjae and L.A.H.H. And Christmas cake too. We've got lots spare. **

**Only one of you guessed fully correctly, and many of you didn't guess at all. And one or two of you left hurtful comments about rats. You are all entitled to your own opinions, but I would like to point out that I do keep two pet **_**lovely**_** rats who would be deeply offended by some of the things being said here. And since my rats are helping me write this, you might want to rethink a little… **

Communication Issues

Ianto came to in a corner he hadn't originally been lying in, wondering why the objects from beyond the Rift couldn't stick to the rules of this dimension. Stumbling to his feet he found Tosh and Jack with the same bemused looks on their faces.

Jack carefully approached Tosh's desk. The small silver box was sat on top of it, looking smug. In fact, it was practically smirking.

Jack went past it to where Owen was lying prostrate on top of the desk, the tip of one finger still touching the side of the box.

Tosh was kneeling down next to where Gwen was sprawled on the floor. "She's unconscious. Is Owen…?"

"Yes." Jack looked down at him again and then at the small rat which was crouched next to his head, apparently trembling. There was an angry squeak and another rat pulled itself out from underneath a pile of toppled papers.

Everyone had the same horrible idea at the same time. It was what Torchwood did to you.

"You don't think…?" Tosh trailed off.

Jack bent down so that his head was at a level with the rats, the closest he had ever got to them. "Gwen? Owen?"

The larger rat gave him what could only be described as a glare and stalked off to the other end of the table. Tosh wrapped her hands around the smaller one and held it protectively to her chest. It wriggled frantically and then stayed still, peering out at Jack from between Tosh's fingers and squeaking quietly to itself in a complaining tone.

"Great." Said Jack. "Just great."

* * *

It was hard to have a decent conference when two of you team-members were rats.

"Um…" Tosh looked over at where the rat that was generally agreed to be Owen was gnawing at the end of a pencil. Some things never changed. "I think the best thing to do for now is to see what happens to them, and whether or not they'll turn back. In the meantime I'll investigate the, um…"

"Furryfier?"

"The furryfier – thanks Ianto – and see if I can find out how it works."

Jack sighed. "Seems like the best plan for now. Ianto, you'll have to make sure that their actual bodies are looked after until we sort all this out."

"Yes sir. And what are we going to tell Rhys?"

"Um…" Gwen was gazing at him unblinkingly, half-hidden among Tosh's hair. "I'll sort that out when we get there. The truth, probably."

"I'll look after them at night for now, if you like." Tosh offered. "Apart from that we can just go on the way we did with the original rats. It's fine to do that, isn't it? I mean they _are_ rats."

"It should be fine." Jack replied. "Are you sure you're alright looking after both of them?"

"Well, I can't see them taking to being kept in a cage. Particularly if they turn back halfway through the night."

"Wouldn't it be easier if Ianto took care of Owen?"

"I don't think he'd like it much, sir. He bit me when I tried to carry him in here."

"I don't think he likes being dependent on us." Tosh suggested. "Or maybe it's just the rat part taking over?"

"No. That rat bites more now it's Owen than it did before."

Jack smiled. "And I expect he's a bit grumpy because he's now a female rat. Not really the kind of thing Owen's ego takes very well."

Tosh reached out a hand to the creature in question and attempted to stroke him. Or her. Whichever. Owen moved, pointedly.

"How much of them is rat, do you think?" she asked.

"I don't know." Ianto replied honestly. "I mean, they don't seem to understand it when we speak to them but they still have the same sort of… character."

Tosh moved Gwen down off her shoulder. In contrast to Owen she happily accepted being stroked.

"It's weird thinking you're doing that to Gwen." Jack mused, watching.

Ianto smiled. "I'm not sure she'd stand it normally." He reached out a finger as well. "It's really rather demeaning."

Jack smirked. "I bet when we get her back she'll pretend she can't remember any of it at all. But right now she's making the most of it all."

Tosh perked up suddenly. "I've got an idea." she announced, and scurried away.

In a moment she was back, slightly out of breath and carrying her laptop. Getting the idea at once, Ianto unceremoniously dumped the nearest rodent on the keyboard.

Owen gave them a 'what the hell do you think you're doing?' look, and waddled off.

"Try Gwen." Jack ordered.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "You're going to have to get over the rat-phobia sometime, sir, especially now half your team have whiskers."

Gwen took slightly more interest in the keyboard. _"_ooinbbqqqg nhvhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhr dcv5666666565o_" _

Tosh peered at the screen. "This isn't working."

"Perhaps she's trying to deliberately confuse us." Jack suggested.

"Maybe it's just harder to type when you're a rat." Ianto countered.

"Well, what else are we meant to try? Sign language? How about we just accept that they're rats for now?"

Watching Owen chase Gwen round the table, Ianto couldn't help feeling that this might be the best approach.

**This section was written with the help of a co-writer. I would therefore like to hereby show my gratitude to Minnie for volunteering to step onto the keyboard in order to dramatically increase the realism of this chapter. This is the first time she has published work and I would be very grateful if you would show your appreciation in the usual way. **

**For anyone who wants to know, "ooinbbqqqg... " is most probably rat-typing for "why the hell have I just been stuck on the keyboard?"**


	5. Trouble and Strife

**Happy New Year! I am starting 2011 off with a special thank you to all my readers and reviewers. The reviewers get a special mention because they left their names – they are: brionyjae, Marian Locksley, thedeejay, gernumblies, NikkieSheepie, milady dragon, Little Sweet Pea, TV-a-holic and L.A.H.H. If you are a reader and would like a personal thank you then please feel free to leave a review.**

**Minnie says 'squeak!' (I couldn't be bothered putting her on the keyboard again which I think means 'thank you for all the lovely things you said, and especially for the biscuit.' My other rat, Cassie, is now feeling rather left out, so I might try and let her contribute too at some point. Oh, and thank you to NikkieSheepie for sparking off the first section… **

Trouble and Strife 

"I think I'm starting to like Owen like this."

Ianto looked over at where Tosh was sat. "What's he up to?"

Tosh blushed. "He's licking my hands."

"Have you been handling food?" Ianto wasn't prepared to accept that Owen had suddenly decided to change his entire approach to life and do something as un-Owen as lowering himself to that level unless it was for his own personal benefit.

"No. I just washed them."

Ianto examined the pair of them more carefully. "Perhaps he has a soap addiction. I never would have considered it before."

"But I didn't use soap, I used…" Tosh closed her eyes in sudden resignation. "I used alcohol gel."

"Well, there you go then. He's just as mercenary as usual." Ianto removed the flailing rat, successfully ending its binge licking. "Trying to get drunk and forget his rodent problems."

"Or maybe rats just like alcohol gel." Tosh pointed out. "I'd better go and wash them again now."

Ianto plonked Owen down on the table and watched him walk away unsteadily. _Do rats get hangovers? _he wondered. Well, Owen would be having a ball if they didn't.

"Ianto?" Jack strode out of his office. "We should have a visitor in a few - What's wrong with Owen?"

"The usual."

"Hmm?"

"He's had too much to drink. Alcohol gel."

"I thought I'd told you to be responsible?"

Ianto shrugged. "It was Tosh, not me."

Jack nodded, engrossed with the CCTV images of the Plass showing on Tosh's screen. "Look's like our guest's arrived."

* * *

Ianto cleared his throat to try and explain. Jack had conveniently vanished.

"We don't know how long it's going to last for, but we're trying to find a way to reverse it…"

"Are you really telling me that that's…?"

"We think so, yes."

Ianto watched Rhys' gaze shift between his wife's unconscious body and the small rat sat in Tosh's hands.

"Would you like to hold her?" Tosh asked kindly.

Rhys held his hands out tentatively and visibly gulped as Gwen stepped delicately onto his arm. "Does she recognise me?"

"I don't know." Ianto replied honestly, as Gwen worked her way up the arm. "It's hard to tell what they're thinking."

Rhys flinched as a set of whiskers brushed his ear. "She's squeaking to me!" He exclaimed happily.

Tosh couldn't help smiling.

* * *

Half an hour later it had been agreed that Gwen was to stay with Tosh for now and Rhys departed having received a rather tickly almost-kiss. He had brightened up noticeably.

Ianto shook his head sadly as he fished in his pocket for bread-crumbs. There weren't any there – most likely someone had already found them. "Do you think he'd be that happy if we'd told him that she's that friendly with everyone?"

Tosh smiled. "You mean the little rat-kisses? Minnie used to do those beforehand. They're very sweet." She looked down fondly at the bulge in her pocket.

"Try and remember that she's not really a rat." Ianto warned her.

"I will." Tosh promised.

* * *

Tosh didn't think that she'd ever had Gwen and Owen round to her flat before. At least they were in the right state to thoroughly appreciate the mess it was in.

"_Hi Tosh. Howya doing?"_

"Oh great." Tosh replied into her phone distractedly. "Where's Owen gone?"

"_They're not making a nuisance of themselves, are they?"_ Tosh could practically hear Jack smirking at the end of the phone.

"No, not at all. Owen! Get out of the teapot! Ugh!"

"_Is Owen making a nuisance of himself?"_

"Owen can't make himself a nuisance: he _is _a nuisance. Particularly when he's – Gwen! Don't go near that!"

"_Enjoying yourselves?"_

"I think they've got even less sense as rats than they do normally!"

"_What have you done with them so far?" _

"Well, they've had something to eat…"

"_Did you remember to take the rat food with you?"_

"Yes. Not much point though. They took one sniff at it and decided to go for my spaghetti instead. And to fight over it."

"_Have you had anything to eat?"_

"Not yet. I'm trying to get myself something now, but they keep getting in the w- Owen!"

"_What will you do with them after that?"_

"You're trying not to laugh, aren't you? I can hear you."

"_Of course not."_

Tosh sighed. "I thought I might just watch tv or something. The rat book says they're supposed to sit on your shoulder and watch it too."

"_Good luck with that."_

"Thanks Jack. Bye."

Gwen, apparently, was perfectly happy to snuggle up on the sofa and watch tv. Owen, however, seemed to be a bit more picky about what they actually watched. But he seemed to tolerate QI, even if he didn't think much of listening to the news when Tosh flicked the channel over.

Later she began to see what Jack had meant about Ianto looking after Owen. She was perfectly happy with the idea of getting changed in front of two rats, but when she knew it was _Owen_ sat in the middle of the bed blinking up at her… She moved them both outside.

Ianto had found a shoebox full of shredded newspaper for the night. Fortunately this seemed to be acceptable.

Tosh sank back in bed, trying to ignore the sporadic bursts of squeaking which she presumed were the pair of them arguing. After a few minutes she realised with horror that she'd unthinkingly forced Gwen to share a bed with Owen for the night, and promptly moved her onto her pillow.

"You'd better not move too much in the night." She warned her, before falling asleep.

**Anyone up for adding a bit of romance into the mixture? There are definitely a lot of possibilities… Name your suggestions/favoured pairings/whatever and I'll see what I can do,. It's a sort of late Christmas present. **


	6. Jealousy

**And thank you once again to my lovely reviewers: L.A.H.H., TV-a-holic, Little Sweet Pea, milady dragon, NikkieSheepie, brionyjae and thedeejay!**

**As an answer to all your questions – no, I don't know how romantic you can safely get while writing when two of your main characters are rats. I'll give it a good try though. You should be able to see most suggested pairings (along with some that weren't brought up) in here, but you might have to squint a bit. **

Jealousy

Tosh woke to feel something warm and furry against her neck. Gwen, she assumed, as she lay there trying to muster the will-power to drag herself out from under the warm covers. She opened her eyes.

Owen blinked, and yawned in her face.

"And good morning to you too." Tosh muttered.

There was a scrabbling by her head and then something was tickling her ear. Tosh used her spare hand to grab Gwen and dump her unceremoniously on her bedside table. She pulled herself out of bed to the sound of indignant squeaks on two fronts. It was almost tempting to leave them locked in there all day, but just thinking of the mess she'd find when she got back… No. It wasn't worth it.

* * *

"How did it go?"

Tosh looked up at Ianto blearily. "You can have Owen tonight."

"That bad?"

"Not really… Just when you put both of them together, I think." She looked across at the table where Owen was sat. "I'm starting to miss the time when they could make their own breakfast."

"Judging from the way Owen behaves here I doubt he's ever been able to cook for himself. Did the box work?"

"The box?"

"The deluxe king-size rat bed."

"Oh. No, not really."

"You mean they slept with you?" Jack asked with a characteristic grin, having chosen precisely the wrong moment to turn up. As usual.

"Look, I didn't ask them too! They crept in while I was asleep!"

Jack looked at Owen thoughtfully. Owen gave him an innocent look back, then started gnawing at the stapler again.

"Have you thought of leaving him with Ianto tonight?"

Tosh nodded.

"Actually, sir, I don't really want to share a room with Owen for the night either, whatever state he's in."

"We could leave him here." Tosh suggested, fervently hoping that the problem in question couldn't understand what they were saying.

"What? With me?"

"Jack, you have to get used to them sometime." Ianto said patiently. "How about we try today, if nothing much is going on?"

"That was a very neatly disguised order, Ianto."

Ianto gave him a look. It was a very particular look, and it made Jack feel quite uncomfortable.

"Alright, alright. Just not with Owen."

"I'm sure Gwen will be obliging. And then maybe Tosh can get some work done for once. Shall we start now, before you have time to find something else to do?"

Jack tried to remember when Ianto had become so manipulative.

* * *

Ianto settled himself in the chair on the other side of Jack's desk. "Say hello to Gwen."

"Hello Gwen." Jack echoed dutifully. He was looking noticeably edgy.

"She won't hurt you. It's just Gwen, remember?"

Jack looked back down at the rat. It was true that there were some similarities, but on the whole… It looked back at him unblinkingly, as though it was waiting patiently for him to get the right answer. In this respect in seemed to have teamed up with Ianto.

"She's giving me that 'why don't you understand, Jack?' look." He said, somewhat disgruntledly.

"That's because it's still Gwen, sir."

"So if you're ever missing and I find a rat that rolls its eyes…"

"Then it'll most likely be me, sir. Just try stroking her or something."

"You know, _that _aspect is easier if you try and forget it's Gwen." Jack reached out tentatively anyway, eyes closed, and let his fingers brush her back. No teeth met his fingers.

"Not so bad, is it?"

"Well I don't know how she feels about it…" Jack risked a glance. Gwen was still looking at him.

"Do they never stop that?"

"Does Gwen ever stop anything until she gets what she wants? Try picking her up."

Jack did so, and found it was easier than he expected. He held his cupped palms up to eye level.

"Huh. They're quite cute actually, aren't they?"

Ianto wasn't sure, but he almost thought he half-heard a small squeak of approval.

* * *

"Where's Jack?" Tosh asked, looking up from her screen.

"I left him with Gwen."

"They're getting along?"

"Famously. I wish you hadn't told him all about last night."

Tosh screwed up her forehead. "They're _rats_."

"Yes, but they're also Gwen and Owen. And I swear they're taking advantage."

"What, Owen…?"

"No, no. But you should see Gwen in there, cuddling up to Jack like she was in some sort of heaven."

"Ianto, she does that with everyone. She does that with _you_."

"Not the same way she does it with Jack." Ianto replied heatedly.

"They haven't got amorous motives, they're just…"

"Tosh, this morning you said you woke up with Owen on your chest."

"Yes, and he also sneezed in my porridge!"

Ianto sighed. He still felt uncomfortable about all this. And, if he admitted it to himself, he was jealous. Of a rat. He was already wishing he hadn't persuaded Jack to try and overcome his rodent-phobia…

"What's up, Ianto?"

"Oh, nothing, sir. Where's Gwen?"

Jack shrugged. "In the coat somewhere."

Yep, definitely jealousy.

"Why's Owen making that sound? He sounds like he's swallowed a generator."

Tosh glanced over at Owen's spot on her desk before replying to Jack's question. "I think he's got a cold. He keeps sneezing too."

Obligingly, Owen demonstrated.

"Rat flu." Ianto diagnosed.

"I've never seen an animal look that miserable before." Jack mused. "I don't know how Owen pulls it off."

Owen gave them a grumpy look and retreated into the tissue box. Ianto mentally added a new one to his shopping list.

"How's Gwen?" Tosh asked.

"Oh, she's fine. Maybe we should keep them separated, in case it isn't just a cold."

"He bullies her anyway." Ianto added.

Jack looked shocked. "Does he?"

"Well, no more than he does normally. Have you not seen them fighting yet?"

Jack grinned. "Now that would be something… We should be filming them so that we can show them what they got up to when we get them back." He frowned suddenly. "How are things going on that front, Tosh?"

"Maybe another day or so. It's hard to tell. But we should be able to get them back, I think."

"Good. How about me and Ianto look after them for the night, so that you can get some decent sleep this time?"

"That would be wonderful." Tosh replied gratefully.

**So… any good? Any suggestions? **


	7. A Night In

**More heaps of thanks to my wonderful reviewers: thedeejay, milady dragon, Marian Locksley, NikkieSheepie, brionyjae, TV-a-holic, gernumblies, gurugirl and L.A.H.H. One day I will find more synonyms for 'wonderful', but for now that will have to do. **

**Err… It's shorter but there is a lot of romance. Like – a **_**lot.**_** Far more than I would ever normally have. Not sure what came over me there. Oh, and spot the movie reference/rip-off. **

An Evening In

"Jack?"

Jack looked over to where Ianto was stood by Tosh's desk. "What's wrong?"

"Have you got Owen?"

"No, just Gwen."

Ianto did his best to ignore the small part of him wishing that he, and not Gwen, had been the one transformed into something which would so easily fit into Jack's pocket. "Well, he's not here, sir. I can't see him anywhere." His voice contained a note of worry – what if they lost Owen? Yes, he could be a bit of a bastard sometimes, but Ianto still didn't want him to spend the rest of his life in the sewers.

They made a rapid search of the surrounding area, Jack's mind filled with images of a swooping Myfanwy… Then suddenly he had an idea.

"Ianto, has Tosh gone too?"

"Yeah, she has. About half an hour ago."

Jack smiled. "Then I think I know where Owen is…"

* * *

Tosh tried to put Owen down on her settee, but he refused to leave her warm coat pocket. She smiled to herself and strolled into the kitchen to start cooking. And she wasn't going to bother trying to force-feed him rat food this time; No, he was going to end up with whatever she had. Maybe she could put some candles on the table too. That would be nice.

* * *

Ianto looked down proudly and his and Jack's handiwork. The main floor of the Hub was covered with boxes, folders, bags, buckets, chairs and anything else they could find that wasn't an alien artefact, all artfully arranged to make the most exciting rat-playground they could dream up. He could feel Gwen running from one shoulder to the other, squeaking excitedly.

Jack took her off him and placed her on the floor. "Now that's what I'd like to do if I woke up and found I was a rat."

They sat down next to each other on the old settee with a cup of Ianto's coffee each to watch.

* * *

Tosh plumped herself down on her settee with Owen in her lap. Their shared dinner had not exactly been what she would call a success – Owen had preferred the wax candles to her home cooking, for a start – but right now she didn't mind. Owen was still making wheezy squeaks as he settled down, like he had a chesty cough, but he too seemed to be quite happy and content. That was odd. 'Happy and content' was not a state of being Owen was often found in.

A slight smile on her face, she flicked on a film and settled down to watch it.

* * *

"Jack." Ianto warned, a touch uncomfortably.

"Hmm?"

"Gwen's in the room."

"Rat's don't have great eyesight you know. And she's distracted."

"Yeah, but…"

"We could go somewhere else."

"We're supposed to be keeping an eye on her, Jack. I don't want to _really_ lose one of them."

Jack sighed pointedly to himself, and let Ianto be. For a while.

* * *

"I wish you'd do this normally." Tosh told her companion quietly. "Sit at home with me, watch a film without complaining… I'm not asking much really. Not for a proper relationship, or anything. It'd just be nice, that's all."

* * *

"What were you doing with her earlier?" Ianto asked suddenly.

Jack frowned. "Earlier? Oh, she decided she'd explore my office and went behind the back of one of the cupboards. And then she refused to come out. Nothing suspicious, I promise." He grinned down at Ianto. "You weren't jealous, were you?"

"No."

"Hmm. We could always turn you into a rat, you know. That could be… interesting."

"No thank you, sir." Ianto replied smoothly, crushing the same small rebellious part of his brain. "Who would get you all coffee if I was a rat?"

Jack gave a dramatic sigh. "Ah, the coffee. It's always the coffee that gets in the way, isn't it?"

"Cardiff wouldn't still be here without it, sir."

"I thought I'd told you to drop the 'sir' thing?"

"I like it. Sir."

"Good. I kinda like it too."

* * *

"You don't know how it is, Owen. I wish you'd understand. But it's so complicated I can never really explain it to myself. I don't know why I keep… Well. But I can never work you out. Some days you're nice to me, and then others… Some of the things you say!" Tosh looked down at him. "And some of those things you do… Gwen… I could hardly bear to speak to you then. But then you give me moments like this." She laughed to herself. "And I can never quite sort it all out in my head."

* * *

Gwen squeaked indignantly as a pile of something soft and warm landed on top of her in an untidy heap. At least it blocked her view.

* * *

"I think I love you, Owen."

**Sorry that was split up so much. I'm assuming you can work out which bit belongs to which character. And please review, because I want to know if any of that worked or not. Thanks. **


	8. The Morning After

**I'm wishing I hadn't mentioned that movie reference now. I should have taken in mind that my range of movies is actually quite limited, and mainly consists of what my little sister watches. The film in question is a fantasy one called 'Stardust', which has a scene where a woman tells the guy she fancies (who is in the form of a dormouse at the time) that she loves him. This will probably make more sense if you watch it, but hopefully you get the idea.**

**Thanks to my reviewers for the other comments they made, which were a little more interesting and less repetitive (as compared to 'I don't know what you're on about'). So that's: Marian Locksley, thedeejay, NikkieSheepie, L.A.H.H., chironsgirl, gernumblies, Quiet Time, milady dragon and brionyjae. I will reward you for your loyalty with… another chapter. Not nearly enough, but it'll have to do. **

The Morning After

Tosh entered the Hub quietly. It was early in the morning, and she had some idea of replacing Owen and maybe pretending that he'd been there all night. She could try. Jack probably had it all worked out already, now she thought about it. But they hadn't really done anything. Not really. Just fallen asleep on the settee.

She couldn't see the others anywhere, but when she listened she could hear a quiet background squeaking… Rat snores?

She found Gwen curled up on the floor, in the middle of a nest she had made of… Yes, it _was_ Jack's shirt.

Ianto entered, looking slightly bleary. Tosh beckoned him over. "Look at this."

"Cute." Said Jack, appearing behind Ianto's shoulder.

"Yes, I like the way she's stylised it with teethmarks…"

"What!" Jack scooped up his shirt, nearly letting Gwen tumble to the floor.

"Must have been her horror at what was happening." Tosh suggested slyly.

"Yeah, and what were you up to then? Sneaking off home with Owen…"

"He's a rat!" Tosh protested, knowing that in Jack's eyes this would not dispel his suspicions one bit.

"Yeah, you keep reminding us." Jack frowned down at her. "We need to turn them back at some point, you know that."

Tosh nodded. "Actually, I think I've come up with an idea about that. I just need to test a few things, but I think I can get them back by tonight."

"Before they eat any more of my shirts." Said Jack mournfully.

"You can hardly complain, sir, when most of them are getting ripped apart by weevils. At least Gwen waited until you weren't wearing it."

"And you can't exactly tell her off." Tosh pointed out. "It would be like shaking your finger at a two year old."

Jack gave it a good attempt. "Naughty Gwen. Don't eat Jack's shirts. " He gave the rat in his hands a little shake. It looked up at him mournfully with eyes that begged for forgiveness.

Jack gave in.

"You always do that with her." Ianto remarked, as Gwen curled up happily on Jack's shoulder. "One little look and she can get away with anything."

Gwen twitched her whiskers, looking as angelic as a rat can.

"Oh, I don't know, Ianto, I think I let you get away with quite a lot. And even Gwen can't beat a bit of Harkness charm." He gave them one of his trademark grins.

Tosh had wandered off at some point in this conversation, apparently not finding Jack's account of his so-called 'charm' quite as enthralling as he did. "I think I've got it!" She called excitedly from her computer. "It was simple! All I needed to do was reverse the process by…"

She went into some explanation about waves and particles which Jack joined in whole-heartedly. Ianto just blanked. Jack patted him on the arm kindly. "What Tosh is saying is that we basically just press the metaphorical 'reverse' button."

"Oh. Right."

"If we try it now I think it should work." Tosh said excitedly.

"Annnd what if it doesn't?" Ianto asked, feeling it was somehow his duty to bring up these small but vital points.

"They'll end up as jellyfish or something?" Jack shrugged. "Who knows?"

"Would you like me to get a tank ready? A birdcage, perhaps?"

"No, Ianto, I think we'll be fine. Now, Tosh, how are we doing this?"

"I think we just put them on the table next to their bodies with the device again. I think I can manipulate it from here, without touching it."

"Otherwise we get you as a rat and one of them as you." Ianto murmured.

"Hey, can you imagine Owen in Tosh's body?"

They both looked at Jack in disgust. He shrugged. "Well, I'd find it interesting."

"I wouldn't." Tosh informed him firmly, trying not to imagine... No. "Where's Gwen?"

Jack fished her out from somewhere in the depths of his coat and winked at Ianto. Ianto ignored him and headed over towards the table where he presumed Tosh had left Owen. "Tosh? Where did you leave him?"

"Inside my handbag." Tosh replied, busy typing something.

Ianto peered inside it curiously. It contained a phone, a pen, lipstick, an alien scanner – all the stuff you'd expect Tosh to carry around. But definitely no rat. "No, he isn't." He looked round. "And he's not anywhere else either. Again."

Tosh looked up. "Are you sure?"

"Certain."

There was a pause as various images of what could happen to a small rodent loose in the Hub flashed through their minds. To Jack it felt like some weird kind of playback from the evening before – did Owen enjoy frightening them like this?

"Shall we start frantically searching now?" Ianto asked.


	9. Traps

**Penultimate-chapter-thanks to thedeejay, milady dragon, NikkieSheepie, Marian Locksley, Quiet Time, TV-a-holic, gernumblies, brionyjae, L.A.H.H. and Daimia De Luke! This is a bit of a short chapter, but I'm currently going through a packing-for-uni rush, so I hope you don't mind. **

Traps

Half an hour later, and Jack had called an emergency council. "Ok. We need to think like rats. And like Owen too."

"Medical bay?" Tosh offered.

"Already been round it." Ianto said. "And I checked the cupboards."

"Kitchen?"

Ianto nodded for that too. "Including all biscuit tins."

"Showers?"

"Jack, where you'd go is not the same as where-" Ianto frowned suddenly. "Actually…"

He was back in ten minutes. "No."

Tosh threw up her hands. "He could be anywhere! Under the floorboards, in the walls… I should never have left him!"

Gwen squeaked despondently.

"We've tried the kitchen, haven't we?" Ianto nodded for a second time and Jack looked down again.

"We could set traps or something." Tosh offered hopelessly. "Those humane ones, of course. Or is he smart enough to avoid them?"

"Traps…" Ianto thought back to a few days ago. "I put some down a while back. Want me to check them?"

* * *

The first thing Owen did when Jack released him was bite him.

"Hey! I was only trying to help! And it was your fault, running off."

Tosh did her best to stop laughing at both of them and scooped Owen up. "Come on." she told him. "Let's get you back to normal before you can cause any more trouble."

Jack and Ianto glanced at each other. They doubted that Owen would find some way to cause trouble no matter what form he was in. He could probably even manage it as a jellyfish, if that was what the next hour brought.

"How do we know they'll go back to the right bodies?" Ianto asked as they re-entered the medical bay with its two unconscious occupants. "Jokes aside, I really cannot stand the thought of Owen in Gwen's body."

Tosh shrugged. "I just think they will find their way back, somehow. And if they don't we'll just have to keep doing it again until we get it right."

"Great." Ianto muttered.

Tosh plonked Owen down on top of… well, on top of Owen, really and watched for a moment as he began to explore. Jack did the same with Gwen as Tosh carefully put down the 'furryfier' (the name had unfortunately stuck). "I don't know if they have to be touching it or not. Someone must have hit a button last time, but I don't know if it just used the bodies in the surrounding area. You'd better step back, just in case."

They all retreated to the balcony. Ianto hoped that was far away enough. Below him Owen was burrowing under his own shirt, poking his head out in the gaps between the buttons. One thing to look forward to when he woke up, Ianto thought.

"I'm running in five, four, three…" Tosh called out. Jack leant even further over the railings. It was a bad idea.

* * *

Ianto picked himself up off the floor, still slightly stunned from the force of the second explosion. How come they had all forgotten that?

Tosh came running over to him. She had clearly been out of range. "Ianto? Are you alright?"

A new voice rose up from below. Owen's voice. "Arrgh! Get it off me, get it off me!"

"Wassup?" Came Gwen's dazed voice. "Owen?"

Jack used the railing to pull himself to his feet, a bruise already developing on one side of his forehead, looking down just in time just in time to see Owen extract the rat from his shirt and dangle it by its tail, ready to hurl it. Gwen cried out in concern: "Owen! Don't!"

Yes, they were back.

"Hiya guys." He beamed down at them, causing them to look up. Owen dropped the rat. "Enjoy yourselves?"


	10. I Was a Rat?

**So… here we are, the last chapter, and finally all your questions about how much they remember are answered! Well, maybe not **_**all **_**your questions, but certainly a few. **

**So, a final round of thanks to: thedeejay, milady dragon, gernumblies, Quiet Time, TV-a-holic, L.A.H.H., Marian Locksley, NikkieSheepie, Little Sweet Pea and gurugirl! Thank you so much for staying with the story and for bothering to leave feedback on it. I tried to listen where possible! **

I Was a Rat? 

"We were rats." Owen repeated, dubiously.

"For the last three days." Tosh elaborated. "We have video footage to prove it."

They were sat in the conference room, all five of them, just the same as they had been doing for the last few days only that this time there were five mugs of coffee.

"Right." Said Owen, clearly still not fully believing them.

"And you don't remember anything?" Jack asked.

Gwen shook her head groggily. The shock of switching bodies still hadn't completely worn off either of them. Ianto had had to help Gwen upstairs and Owen seemed to be having problems adjusting his vision.

"Are you sure?" Tosh asked. "I mean, you did seem slightly… you-ish still. I took you home. Do you remember that?" She looked at Owen and was profoundly relieved when he shook his head. If he could recall what she'd said last night… But maybe he was pretending. Was he? He wouldn't confess if he knew, she knew that.

Jack looked between the pair of them, wondering the same thing.

"I just remember vague things." Gwen mused, thinking about it. "Not clearly. Just being hungry and wanting to sleep – general things like that. Ratty things."

"Chocolate biscuits?" Ianto asked her. "Do you remember those? I used to feed you them. You loved them."

Gwen shook her head. "Thanks anyway." She said kindly.

"Pasta?" Tosh tried the food tactic too, looking at Owen again. "You ate my pasta at mine."

Owen grinned at the idea, but shook his head.

Jack sighed. "All those hours we spent cuddling you and stroking you and fussing over you…"

Owen frowned. "You didn't, did you? Ugh."

"Well, more Gwen than you actually. She was a bit more friendly." Jack glanced at her. She looked slightly amused by the idea. Did she remember? "Are you sure you don't-?"

"Jack, we told you. No."

Tosh was looking uncomfortable still. Very uncomfortable. They couldn't prove it, they couldn't…

Jack noticed her discomfort, and knew Ianto was probably in a similar state of mind, though he wouldn't let it show. They had all at some point or another forgotten that they were dealing with transformed co-workers who might be able to remember their experiences. And Owen and Gwen were good at lying. He had trained them personally.

And then he had an idea.

"Stopwatches." He said simply, looking Gwen full in the eyes.

Gwen just gave him a look of utter incomprehension which he knew even she wouldn't be able to fake.

"They don't remember." He announced. Tosh looked relieved, but Ianto just looked annoyed at him.

"Sorry?" Gwen asked. "What have stopwatches got to do with all this?"

"Yeah, Harkness, what do you mean?" Owen took up. "What _were _you doing with us?" He sounded genuinely worried.

"Ask Tosh." Jack replied with a grin. She froze as Owen turned to her.

"I… I offered to look after you both for the night. Jack wouldn't because he was afraid of rats still."

Owen nodded. Unlike with them, with Tosh you rarely needed a thorough interrogation to know when she wasn't telling you the full truth. And since no examination could be as thorough as the one she was currently giving her fingernails, Owen reckoned there were certain things Tosh wasn't telling them. He also knew that he wasn't likely to ever find out. Not from her.

"_Remember!_" He hissed at Gwen as they all made their way out.

Giving him a confused look, she made a pretence of stumbling again so that she could hang back and talk to him. "Why do you expect _me_ to remember?"

"You've got past retcon before, haven't you? I know we were rats but we must have some memories about what was going on! They're not telling us something, and I want to know what!"

Gwen nodded. "I'll try." For herself, she was desperate to find out what had gone on between Tosh and Owen, as well as what the hell Jack meant. Stopwatches? Had Ianto been timing them or something?

They looked down at where the other three were clustered around Tosh's screens. "I feel abused." Owen muttered. "They've got sick minds, Gwen – they could have done anything to us. Anything!"

Jack looked up at them, and grinned as though he'd guessed exactly what they were saying.

* * *

The cold light of 2am watched Gwen turn over yet again, callously mocking her insomnia. Owen had warned her that their sleeping and eating patterns might remain a bit weird, but Gwen knew that her inability to sleep was less to do with comparative mammalian biorhythms and more to do with her unrelentless wrestling with her scattered memories.

Beside her Rhys snored, happily ignorant of his wife's rodent problems.

Gwen sighed. Much as she hated to let it go even just for a few hours, Jack would her expect her back at work the next day just as normal. After all, what she had just had could be classed in some ways as a 'holiday' – by Torchwood standards at least. She curled up in resignation and pulled the sheets over her head.

_Fabric… blue cotton… over my head… hiding, trying to sleep… Oh shit. _

That _stopwatch. _

**Not entirely sure where the whole stopwatch thing came from, only that I hit writer's block and that that got me out of it. And it struck me as vaguely amusing. **


End file.
